Seven simple steps to a successful Bali Christmas and New Year

The Christmas spread
The Christmas spread

1. Smuggle or bribe bulk contraband through customs

A US$40  bribe will get 5.5kg of prime cut Australian cryovac Scotch Fillet steak through Indonesian customs (reputable sources will later tell you that US$20 would have done). Supplement this with copious amounts of booze. Remember the one litre of duty free liquor allowance per person is just a rule of thumb.  Wine of dubious quality can be sourced locally, at exorbitant cost, from an unscrupulous English expat who for the past thirty years has been living a conscious free and highly lucrative existence in South East Asia.

2. Assemble a small pose

Ideally a collection of family, friends and haphazard acquaintances (who will soon become fast friends) aged from three through to sixty. If at all possible, source a Dutch couple (they tend to bring Bintang tallboys in bulk).

3. Rent a mac-daddy private villa at a ridiculously discounted rate

Compliment with a pool, driver and cook. I couldn’t recommend Villa Theresa more highly.

4. Set a spread that would put the last supper to shame.

Include a behemoth roast turkey, a magnificent honey ham and a proper pudding all prepared by a petty crim turned caterer from Ballarat. Add an entire ecosystem of crustaceans (lobster and prawns) prepared on the BBQ with Pak Putu’s green pepper marinate.

5. Schedule an hour-long splash fest in the pool with a three year old.

Instruct him on the dark art of the backyard bomb. Start with the classics: the cannonball , the horsie and the belly-wacker. Graduate to the honey-pot, the can-opener and the genie.

6. Eat, drink and be merry.

7. Repeat.

Baby Ray and I in Splashfest 2009
Baby Ray and I in Splashfest 2009